Friday, 22 June 2012

Feeling very unmotivated

I really don't know what to say right now. I don't like my life and I want to make something out of it. I guess I grew up thinking that I could be someone great but never realized the great effort that had to be put into it. I wouldn't say I'm spoiled but I would agree that I was probably unknowingly sheltered from reality of things. It's a weird feeling. I know I want to make a change but I end up playing video games during the school holidays.

From all the moments that I have had holidays, this is the first time I have been "self aware" of my actions. I really want to change. I really do. I don't know why I feel less than other people. I feel like I don't get how they are motivated to find a job when all they'll be doing is something they hate. I'm talking about holiday jobs here. I guess I am afraid to do something that people who succeed in the real world are able to do. I am afraid of getting up in the morning to go for work. I love sleeping in. This is what I fear most about my future. I know myself too well that I may end up just being very miserable and unmotivated to go to work...that is, if I get a good job in the first place.

This is probably why I got into blogging, hopefully to get some incentive to work or earn a bit on the side knowing I am not completely screwed with a fixed income. I have the drive in my head, but my body refuses to move due to the fear of failing miserably. I hate fear. I am scared of failing.
What am I supposed to do? I have so many hopes and dreams that I know I can accomplish only if I let go of the computer. The internet has a hold on me. Forums and video games and Facebook.

I know anyone who may stumble upon this blog post might know how I feel. I really do hope this blog helps me express my feelings about my life and finally pushes me to change my lifestyle for the better. I could say I am addicted to this lifestyle of waking up at 10am and spending 4 hours on the computer first thing in the morning before doing something else. I see all these successful people and when I try my best to be productive for a day, I ask myself, "is success really worth it if I am suffering here"? This is when I realized that life is indeed difficult.....or is it because I've been trapped in this lazy lifestyle for such a long time that it is extremely difficult to get out of it.

I just turned 20 and I wish to be a more productive person. I want to own a business and not work 40 hours a week with a boss looking over my shoulders. Working at Mc D wasn't so good and I'd actually want to work 60 hours a week if it means I am my own boss. Again I dream of owning something yet I'm not doing much at the moment because of fear.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't even go near a computer. I would only sit for a while instead of spending hours. I have spent so much wasted time on the computer, I could've mastered a skill like singing or playing an instrument. I would've at least probably had the chance to cash in.

I also know that I cannot keep looking back. This is another attempt at being more productive. This hurts so bad. Internet addiction is extremely sad but I cannot waste my life like this. It hurts because I'm afraid I may never succeed in breaking it since I have tried so many times.

Depressing post of the year? Maybe.
Just reality in my case.

Good night.


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